If You Give Some Mice a Honeymoon

This is a story about two newlywed mice named Humbert and Dolores. The couple decide to spend their honeymoon inside a theme park ride.

It doesn't make much sense, but I hope you find it entertaining.

***

Humbert and Dolores were the happiest newlyweds the mouse community had ever seen. Humbert's respectable know-how, brains, and eloquence melded well with Dolores's innocent, docile, and admittedly stupid charm. They were always together, always squeaking about how marvelous the other was and how much more one loved the other. In fact, it shortly made their relatives and everyone around them sick. And so, when they declared that they were going far, far away for an everlasting honeymoon, nobody had any complaints.

"Oooh, sweetie, let's, um, go to that place! The one with all the lights and people and big loud fast things! You know? That fun place! Let's go there for our honeymoon!" squeaked Dolores with soft, excited intensity.

"Yes, the fun place indeed!" said Humbert agreeably. "It's that amusement park you're referring to, Dolly. Its amusing atmosphere and charm provide the ideal environment for a happy couple such as ourselves."

"I know! You speak so nicely!"

"You blink so nicely!"

"You breathe so nicely!"

"You pronounce your consonants so nicely!"

And the praise went on and on, like always. The two had seen the amusement park whilst exploring the land on one of their adventures. Dolores wanted to venture into the park immediately back when she first laid eyes on the glowing paradise, but Humbert wanted to save it for a special time in the future, like their on honeymoon.

The couple packed the appropriate provisions and departed. After several hours of traveling and a few minor complications (Dolores had lost her red bow and mistook a snake for it), the endearing couple arrived at the theme park and decided to stay in the "Whirlygig" because Dolores thought the name was fun. Which it was.

The two lovebirds vacationed in the ride for days on end. They lived behind a fake tree; the ride had a forest theme and was very thrilling. The mice were very amused by the humans who passed by in a cart looking excited and very happy.

"They're happy because they know how much we love each other! Am I right?" asked Dolores.

"You're absolutely right! They are screaming with approval, yet also with envy of our love! Oho ho!" Humbert exclaimed jovially.

One day, the atmosphere of the Whirlygig turned eerie. No happy humans went by, and an air of foreboding pervaded throughout the fun, fake forest. Humbert overheard some of the amusement park staff say something about "numerous mouse droppings" and "pest control". Humbert, being the educated mouse that he was, knew exactly what had to be done.

"Dolly, honey, we have to get out of here. It's not safe! They know we're here, and they're sending someone to get rid of us!" Humbert explained to his wife with solemn ardor.

"Wait, what? Oh my goodness! That is awful! Whatever will we --"

Dolores was cut off by a loud thudding noise. It was the man from pest control shutting the door of his van. The mice could see it through the entrance of the Whirlygig.

"Hello, ma'am," he said to one of the staff. "So, you've got a mouse problem, huh? Or is it rats?"

"I don't know. But we found so many droppings around the ride, we figured something's made a home of the place."

"Well, alright, I'll set up some traps and put some poison around." The man's stomach growled. "Oh, it's almost dinner time. Heh heh. Lemme go get my sandwich." He went back into his van and brought out an enormous sandwich. "There we -- Oh, what was...?" He looked towards the ride, where the mice were vacationing. The man thought he saw a flash of white. He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, put it on the hood of his vehicle, and placed his sandwich on top of it. "I saw one! Right there! Just where you said!" The man grabbed all of his tools and headed towards the ride. "I'll get started right away."

Meanwhile, Humbert and Dolores were watching the man intently. When they saw him come towards their dwelling, they decided to conceal themselves inside an animatronic lumberjack's mouth.

"Here he comes, here he comes! Oh God, now he's putting things on the ground!" said Dolores, filled with fear.

"Those are mouse traps, Dolly. They use them to lure us in, and then SNAP! We're trapped, and then they kill us." Humbert was well-versed in most everything.

"What's that stuff he's sprinkling everywhere?"

"Oh, that's poison. If we eat that, we'll die." Humbert sighed. "Well, he certainly wins the 'sneaky murderous bastard' award."

The man, now finished, exited the ride and disappeared. The mice thought it safe to come out.

Suddenly, an extremely loud and violent noise filled their ears. But they thought nothing of it, because they are mice.

Dolores was examining the poison. "Hey, what's this stuff made of?" she asked, but due to the deafening and mysterious noise, Humbert didn't hear her. She did not realize this.

"Yes, this belongs to our winner," he said, indicating the poison and referring back to his previous comment about the exterminator.

"Oh, that makes sense! Will do!" she yelled over the din of the noise, which oddly didn't concern either of them. She grabbed a handful of poison and ran off.

"Dolores! Where are y-- hey! Dolores!!" Humbert frantically waved his arms, trying to get his dim wife's attention. He saw her skip over to the exterminator's van, leap onto the hood, slip the poison into the sandwich, and run back just in time to escape the man's notice. He came out from behind his van wearing a gas mask and holding an extremely intimidating device from which the extremely loud noise was coming from.

"Oh, hey! Forgot about my sandwich! I'm starvin'!" he said, removing his gas mask. Humbert watched with horror as the man bit into his sandwich with relish. He chewed, swallowed, looked at his sandwich as if it just called him a name, and fell down onto the ground with a thump.

"Oh! My God! Dolores, why on earth did you do that?!" he asked his wife, who was now approaching him.

"Why, you told me to! Moments ago, dearest," she said earnestly, looking concerned.

"I said nothing of the sort!" Humbert exclaimed, offended. He thought back to the moment Dolores left. "Actually, all I said was, 'Yes, this belongs to our winner'!"

"What! I thought you said, 'Yes, go slip it in his dinner'!"

"What!? Absolutely not!" he screamed at her, his face contorted with rage. He calmed himself down. "Let's just go see if he's all right." The mice quickly pattered over to the horizontal man.

"I'll just feel his pulse," Humbert said with anxiety. "Nothing." He lowered his head with sorrow. "I feel nothing! He has no pulse! He's dead! You've killed him, sweetie! He's dead!"

"Oh NOOO!" yelled Dolores in anguish. She sat down and sobbed.

Pictor's Very Special Collection of Bones: Part Two

I now present to you the shocking second and final installment of Pictor's story. Enjoy.

***

"I'll... Uh, be there in a second! I have no idea what you mean, therefore I have to come over there so I can understand what you're talking about!" I called, speaking manically, clearly very nervous and jumpy.

I finished up in the lavatory and thought about how the hoot I'm going to explain myself. Should I play dumb? Be clueless and distraught? No, no, that won't do. I have to be convincing and reasonable at the same time; I must have a perfectly good reason for keeping the bones of other animals in my floor. I mean, I can't just tell him they waltzed into my studio and under the tile without my knowledge. Simon isn't an idiot. He knows bones can't move on their own. What a preposterous notion! No, I need something that makes sense, or at least something that makes some sense. This is kind of a lose-lose situation for me. Either way I'm going to look like a fool or a loony.

Well, where would one normally find bones? The ground? As in... fossils?

Hold on! That gives me a brilliant idea! Ha! Look at me! I know just what to say. Oh, Pictor, you've done it again, you crazy fox! ...Or, owl, I mean!

I stepped out of the bathroom confidently and strode over to the studio. I saw Simon coiled up in the corner looking worried, frightened, and sickly.

"There, Pic, there!" he said to me, pointing his tail shakily to the slightly askew tile on the floor. I looked and I bursted out laughing.

"Oh, you mean those bones! Ha ha!" I said as jovially and affably as I could. Simon looked positively appalled and terrified at this point. I calmed myself down and said, "You see, Simon, ever since I was young, I've been fascinated by fossils. Each one tells a unique story, and each one is beautiful in its own way. Evolution! Adaptability! Structure and function! All of these things are communicated to us through the bones of living things. And in order to educate those about the wonders of life, it has always been my ambition to start a museum!"

I studied Simon's face to see if he'd bought it. I tried to remain as calm and composed as I could. Simon uncoiled a bit and I could almost see the ideas I'd just thrown at him tumble around in his serpent mind and, finally, fall into place.

"A... museum?" he asked me with softened eyes. "Oh, god, Pic! I'm so relieved!"

I was too!

He went on and said, "A museum! Cool cool! Ya know, I love those places. You gotta take me to this place when it's done and stuff, because I might live there. I'll have to pay you rent. It'll be crazy."

I sighed with relief. Simon is way too trusting sometimes, but I guess that's all right with me. I mean, look at him, he went right back to his silly self once I'd explained myself!

Hold on. I'm starting a museum? Wait a second! That doesn't justify having bones under my floorboards at all! I'm an artist, for hoot's sake! Not a paleontologist! ...Well, whatever. If it's good enough for Simon, I guess it's good enough for me.

"Yep. It'll be so cool. I kept the bones under that tile for safekeeping. I don't want them getting stolen or anything. After all, those are incredibly rare specimens!" I told him convincingly. Obviously, I have no idea what I'm talking about, but Simon doesn't know any better.

"Oh, yeah, totally! It's a good spot." Simon slithered out of the corner and looked around. "Hey, where's the little 'un? That's why I'm here, remember. I wanna see 'im! Or her!"

"Oh, right! It's here." I walked over to a little basket and removed the blanket that was covering it and keeping it warm. The egg was revealed, and it was wonderful. I've never been more proud of anything in my life. It was as white as the whitest, cleanest, most beautiful bone in the world, and what would hatch out of it would be even more so. I loved that little egg with all of my heart. I'd trade away all of my bones to keep it. Hoot, I'd trade my bones, the ones in my body, to keep that egg safe. My love for that egg extends beyond the reaches of Space and Time.

"Aw, man, now that is an egg," said Simon quietly and with wonder. He saw its beauty too. I could see its white glow on his kind face. They mixed well.

"Say, what time you got?" Simon asked me. I told him nine o'clock and he said he had to go now and wished me luck with my museum. I led him to the door and said goodbye.

Once Simon left I turned around and saw Ursa still fiddling with her fancy telescope that Cygnus gave her. "What's this about bones?" she asked while looking into the eyepiece.

"Oh." Hoot. I wished Simon hadn't screamed so loudly when he first found them. "I'm starting a museum and the bones are my current exhibition."

"Oh, that's pretty neat. I didn't realize you were into that. Well, good luck with that," she said distractedly, focused on some spot in the sky.

"I'm going to bed now," I said, fatigued. "Good night."

"Good night."

---

I woke up the next morning feeling nice and rested. "Good morning, Ursa!" I said cheerily.

"Oh, good morning! Cygnus called." Oh no. "He told me to wish you luck with your museum."

"Okay..." Why would he do that? To mock me? "Is that all he said?" I asked suspiciously.

"Oh, no, he wanted to know how I was doing, how you were doing. It was weird."

"God, what a creep! How did he even know about the museum?"

"I don't know. It was a little creepy. He was trying make conversation, but he sounded angry, he sounded... well, evil. Anyway, he just told me to wish you luck with it."

That's odd. And creepy. Like Cygnus. I disregarded his encouraging remark and decided to go out for a bit. After flying around and adventuring for a time, I found a nice deer carcass and picked out a nice leg bone to take home. I stuffed it into my sack and flew home.

Ursa was at work by now, so I returned to an empty house. I walked into the door, shut it behind me, and then started towards my studio. Just as I was about to turn the doorknob, my telephone rang. I speedwalked into the kitchen and picked up the phone. "Hel--"

"Pic! Oh god, oh god, this is so bad, I don't even know where to start!" Simon sounded completely and totally consumed with fear. His voice shook and he could barely speak. My heart started beating faster, and I didn't even know why. Simon just sounded so scared. "W-well, see, I was talking to Cygnus at work, and first I let it slip that you had bones in your studio, it was just a side comment, you know, j-just a side thing..."

"So that's how he knew. You and your hooting big mouth!" I was a tad bit angry with him. Now the entire world knows about Pictor's very special collection of bones.

"A-ack, I know, I didn't think it was that big of a deal, y-ya know, I mean, you're j-just starting a museum, which is really c-cool, but when I told him, he just got this sinister smile a-and, I knew it was bad then, but then when he got up, this creepy black book fell out of his b-bag, and he cursed and looked at m-me all threatening like, as if saying, 'You ain't seen nothing, this b-book ain't nothing!' But Cygnus, he took the book and went away, and I heard him say the most awful things about you, about y-you stealing Ursa away from him, and he wished the most horrible things on you, and then he says this gobbledegook, it was weird, dark stuff, and he mentioned your bones, a-and y-yeah. But Pic, I'm calling to tell you -- stay AWAY from your studio, man! Away from it! Far away! Okay?!"

I didn't respond for a long time. I didn't even know what to think. Simon's instincts are uncanny, they always were. But I don't know. This sounded ridiculous.

"I'm just going to go peek. What harm could it do?" I said to him.

"NO! Do not go in there, man! It ain't a good idea --"

"Look, it'll be fine, what could happen? I'll even keep you on the line." I walked over to my studio, stretching the phone cord, of course, and threw the door open.

I immediately wish I hadn't.

What stood before me was the most frightening, nightmarish, colossal being I have ever encountered. It was assembled all out of my entire collection of bones, and looked like a giant human with a cruel skull, pointy, gargantuan hands, brutish arms, sleek legs, and heavy feet.

I started to scream, but then the bone giant swiped its huge and powerful hand towards me and shattered the wall and broke the phone line. Fear and awe swept over me, and my eyes fell on my egg, our egg, which was sitting right in the giant's path. I ran back towards the kitchen out of instinct and began searching for a weapon.

Just as I heard the BOOM, BOOM of the giant's steps, I looked back, just in time to see it squash my egg like an ant.

"NO!" I screamed as I watched it ooze and run. I wanted to cry, to scream and yell out of anguish, yet I had no time to think because I was next. I grabbed a huge knife and held it in front of me for protection. The giant tore down the studio wall completely now and walked towards me slowly. It stared at me blankly and I stared back, afraid.

But suddenly, the front door flew open, and Simon slithered in with more speed than I've ever seen a snake slither! Good old Simon! He ferociously and fearlessly pounced on the giant and bit it in several places quickly in a staccato-like fashion before the giant even had time to react. It was powerful, the bone giant, but it was also very slow. After Simon was finished attacking, he touched the ground gracefully, and the giant toppled over with a moan.

I stared at Simon with great wonder, admiration, and gratitude. He stared at the giant, which was no longer animated by Cygnus's revenge. After a moment, he said with a wink, "My venom's real poisonous, you know."