***
I'm feeling a bit stressed at the moment, but I've just collected so many exquisite pieces that I couldn't happier. One's from a mouse, one's from a sparrow, and another one is from an owl, like myself. What fine specimens! Oh, they excite me so!
I don't know what it is about bones -- their variety, their function, their structure -- that makes me so taken with them. Hunting for these beauties has been my release for as long as I can remember, but I am the only one who knows of this. I need them, you see, and if anybody else knew that, they'd declare me a loony and send me off to a nuthouse, I just know it! But I am not a loony, I swear upon the stars!
But, alas, the aforementioned stress remains, and the root of it all is my fiancée, Ursa, who is also an owl. We've got a young one on the way, you see, it's my job to take care of it at present, and the thought of being a father shakes me up like nothing else. What's worse is that Ursa's strictly traditional mother disapproves, as we aren't even married yet and we've already got an egg. Which is my next point! Marriage! Oh god! It's less than a month away, and I feel nothing! Complete apathy, all because I'm not ready to deal with it. Don't get me wrong, Ursa is all I can think about, but marriage is a huge commitment, and I'm having second thoughts, but not really, because I love Ursa and I'm going to marry her. God, I'm going to marry her!
Anyway, I get home that afternoon with all of my fabulous new bones wrapped up in some cloth and I find the loose tile in the floor of my studio. I carefully place my new ones in with my old ones and they introduce themselves. And so politely! What nice bones! I admire my collection for a moment. Oh, this one's one of my favorites: the skull of a chipmunk. How cute! I named it Alvin and I found it just lying around the forest. What a wonderful, effortless find. No violence! I just had to pick it up! Oho ho! Ha ha ha!
I put my bones back because Ursa will be home from work soon. She's an astronomer, and a darn good one, too. She's made many discoveries, both major and minor.
Myself, I'm an artist. A painter, to be exact. I was so caught up with my bones and Ursa that I'd forgotten to mention it! You know, I'd like to paint my bones one day but at present I could never capture their enrapturing beauty. Maybe I never will, but I'd like to.
I hear some fluttering outside. Ursa's home! I hear her call, "Pic! Open the door for me please! You won't believe what I've got!" I waltz over to the door and open it expectantly.
"Holy cow! That box is positively enormous! What's in it?" I exclaim.
"I'll show you!" she says happily, walking through the door. I close it behind her and follow her to the kitchen table. She sets the colossal box down carefully, stands on a chair due to its hugeness, and rips it open. "It's the greatest telescope in history!" she declares proudly.
"Wow!" I said. I didn't really know what to say. I had many questions, but I remained enthusiastic. "That's incredible! But how did you-"
"Help me get it out of the box!" she squealed, interrupting me. I agreed and, after a considerable amount of heavy lifting, we got the telescope out of its packaging.
"Oh my God, Ursa..." I said, astounded. The telescope was so incredibly complicated and big. It had a ginormous lens, so many buttons, and the knobs, the knobs! The sheer number of knobs made my head spin! The number of settings as well! I had no doubt Ursa could operate it, but...
"Ursa, dear, how on Earth did you afford this wonderful contraption?"
"Oh, it was a gift from Cygnus," she replied nonchalantly.
Oh, I get it now. Cygnus! That bastard! That slimy bastard!
"Well, then. Did he include a receipt? I'll just go and return it, after all, it might try to-"
"Oh, honey, calm down. I know how you feel about Cygnus, but I think he's sweet! I mean, look at this telescope!"
Okay, first of all, Cygnus is not sweet, unlike most swans. Ursa, Cygnus, and I all met each other in college, you see, and once Cygnus learned I was interested in Ursa romantically, he did all he could to kiss up to my Ursa and make me look like a fool in her eyes. Well, when he proposed to her, she rejected him. She had her eye on someone else, see; me! And I, her! Cygnus's plans failed! Oho ho! Ha ha ha! So she proposed to me and not Cygnus and he's hated my guts ever since.
"He's absolutely horrible, Ursa. You know he's only giving you that so you'll like him. He really doesn't quit, does he?"
"No, he doesn't. But still, it's kind of romantic, isn't it?"
It wasn't.
She continued: "To still try for me, even though he'll most definitely fail. It's so... Uhh..."
"Pathetic." I wanted to change the subject, so I did. "Hey, Simon's coming over today."
"Oh, he is? How nice. I love Simon."
Everybody loves Simon. How could they not? He's a snake who is determined to become a tap dancer. And such a friendly and talkative fellow! Simon is a lot of fun. We've been friends since we were infants.
"He wants to see how the egg is coming along," I tell her. "Oh, he should be here any minute, actual--""
I heard a knock and saw his smiling face through the little window in the door. I opened it and he slithered in, beaming.
"Hello Pictor! Hello Ursa!" he exclaimed excitedly, but then fearfully, he bellowed, "Oh my god, it's a hawk! Hide me, hide me!!"
"No, Simon, it's just a really, really big telescope! Look!" I explained to him. Simon edged closer, saw it, and sighed.
"Oh, phew, gosh, that was scary. Where did you acquire such a telescope?"
"Cygnus sent it to Ursa," I told him angrily.
"Oh. So that's why he looked so pleased with himself at work today."
I forgot to mention that Simon and Cygnus were coworkers in the IT department at some company.
"That would be the reason," I said to him, indicating the telescope. I didn't like all this Cygnus talk, so I changed the subject again. "Hey, Simon, the egg's in my studio. You go on in and I'll join you after I make a trip to the lavatory."
"Oh, yes! Oh, I'm so thrilled to finally meet the youngster!" Simon said happily. He slided down to my study while I opened the bathroom door and walked in.
While I was doing my business, I heard Simon say, "Hey, Pic, you got a loose board in your floor, you know."
My eyes widened and I froze. My pulse quickened. Don't panic, Pictor, stay calm...
"Hm?" I called. "No I don't!" Whoops. I sounded way too manic.
"Nah, you totes do, man! Hear it squeakin'?" I heard it squeakin'. "Hm, I wonder if -- Oh... What the? ...Oh my GOD! PIC! YOU GOT BONES IN YOUR FLOOR, ARE YOU AWARE OF THIS!? PIC!! Oh, oh, Pic, I think I'm gonna be sick! PIC, WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY ARE THERE FLIPPIN' BONES IN YOUR GOSH-DARNED FLOOR?!"
I don't know what it is about bones -- their variety, their function, their structure -- that makes me so taken with them. Hunting for these beauties has been my release for as long as I can remember, but I am the only one who knows of this. I need them, you see, and if anybody else knew that, they'd declare me a loony and send me off to a nuthouse, I just know it! But I am not a loony, I swear upon the stars!
But, alas, the aforementioned stress remains, and the root of it all is my fiancée, Ursa, who is also an owl. We've got a young one on the way, you see, it's my job to take care of it at present, and the thought of being a father shakes me up like nothing else. What's worse is that Ursa's strictly traditional mother disapproves, as we aren't even married yet and we've already got an egg. Which is my next point! Marriage! Oh god! It's less than a month away, and I feel nothing! Complete apathy, all because I'm not ready to deal with it. Don't get me wrong, Ursa is all I can think about, but marriage is a huge commitment, and I'm having second thoughts, but not really, because I love Ursa and I'm going to marry her. God, I'm going to marry her!
Anyway, I get home that afternoon with all of my fabulous new bones wrapped up in some cloth and I find the loose tile in the floor of my studio. I carefully place my new ones in with my old ones and they introduce themselves. And so politely! What nice bones! I admire my collection for a moment. Oh, this one's one of my favorites: the skull of a chipmunk. How cute! I named it Alvin and I found it just lying around the forest. What a wonderful, effortless find. No violence! I just had to pick it up! Oho ho! Ha ha ha!
I put my bones back because Ursa will be home from work soon. She's an astronomer, and a darn good one, too. She's made many discoveries, both major and minor.
Myself, I'm an artist. A painter, to be exact. I was so caught up with my bones and Ursa that I'd forgotten to mention it! You know, I'd like to paint my bones one day but at present I could never capture their enrapturing beauty. Maybe I never will, but I'd like to.
I hear some fluttering outside. Ursa's home! I hear her call, "Pic! Open the door for me please! You won't believe what I've got!" I waltz over to the door and open it expectantly.
"Holy cow! That box is positively enormous! What's in it?" I exclaim.
"I'll show you!" she says happily, walking through the door. I close it behind her and follow her to the kitchen table. She sets the colossal box down carefully, stands on a chair due to its hugeness, and rips it open. "It's the greatest telescope in history!" she declares proudly.
"Wow!" I said. I didn't really know what to say. I had many questions, but I remained enthusiastic. "That's incredible! But how did you-"
"Help me get it out of the box!" she squealed, interrupting me. I agreed and, after a considerable amount of heavy lifting, we got the telescope out of its packaging.
"Oh my God, Ursa..." I said, astounded. The telescope was so incredibly complicated and big. It had a ginormous lens, so many buttons, and the knobs, the knobs! The sheer number of knobs made my head spin! The number of settings as well! I had no doubt Ursa could operate it, but...
"Ursa, dear, how on Earth did you afford this wonderful contraption?"
"Oh, it was a gift from Cygnus," she replied nonchalantly.
Oh, I get it now. Cygnus! That bastard! That slimy bastard!
"Well, then. Did he include a receipt? I'll just go and return it, after all, it might try to-"
"Oh, honey, calm down. I know how you feel about Cygnus, but I think he's sweet! I mean, look at this telescope!"
Okay, first of all, Cygnus is not sweet, unlike most swans. Ursa, Cygnus, and I all met each other in college, you see, and once Cygnus learned I was interested in Ursa romantically, he did all he could to kiss up to my Ursa and make me look like a fool in her eyes. Well, when he proposed to her, she rejected him. She had her eye on someone else, see; me! And I, her! Cygnus's plans failed! Oho ho! Ha ha ha! So she proposed to me and not Cygnus and he's hated my guts ever since.
"He's absolutely horrible, Ursa. You know he's only giving you that so you'll like him. He really doesn't quit, does he?"
"No, he doesn't. But still, it's kind of romantic, isn't it?"
It wasn't.
She continued: "To still try for me, even though he'll most definitely fail. It's so... Uhh..."
"Pathetic." I wanted to change the subject, so I did. "Hey, Simon's coming over today."
"Oh, he is? How nice. I love Simon."
Everybody loves Simon. How could they not? He's a snake who is determined to become a tap dancer. And such a friendly and talkative fellow! Simon is a lot of fun. We've been friends since we were infants.
"He wants to see how the egg is coming along," I tell her. "Oh, he should be here any minute, actual--""
I heard a knock and saw his smiling face through the little window in the door. I opened it and he slithered in, beaming.
"Hello Pictor! Hello Ursa!" he exclaimed excitedly, but then fearfully, he bellowed, "Oh my god, it's a hawk! Hide me, hide me!!"
"No, Simon, it's just a really, really big telescope! Look!" I explained to him. Simon edged closer, saw it, and sighed.
"Oh, phew, gosh, that was scary. Where did you acquire such a telescope?"
"Cygnus sent it to Ursa," I told him angrily.
"Oh. So that's why he looked so pleased with himself at work today."
I forgot to mention that Simon and Cygnus were coworkers in the IT department at some company.
"That would be the reason," I said to him, indicating the telescope. I didn't like all this Cygnus talk, so I changed the subject again. "Hey, Simon, the egg's in my studio. You go on in and I'll join you after I make a trip to the lavatory."
"Oh, yes! Oh, I'm so thrilled to finally meet the youngster!" Simon said happily. He slided down to my study while I opened the bathroom door and walked in.
While I was doing my business, I heard Simon say, "Hey, Pic, you got a loose board in your floor, you know."
My eyes widened and I froze. My pulse quickened. Don't panic, Pictor, stay calm...
"Hm?" I called. "No I don't!" Whoops. I sounded way too manic.
"Nah, you totes do, man! Hear it squeakin'?" I heard it squeakin'. "Hm, I wonder if -- Oh... What the? ...Oh my GOD! PIC! YOU GOT BONES IN YOUR FLOOR, ARE YOU AWARE OF THIS!? PIC!! Oh, oh, Pic, I think I'm gonna be sick! PIC, WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY ARE THERE FLIPPIN' BONES IN YOUR GOSH-DARNED FLOOR?!"
TO BE CONTINUED
Max, this is so appealing and bizarre and... so gosh darn cute! I love Pictor's enthusiasm and his snarky comments about Cygnus. And each character has a distinct voice, which is hard to do. Can't wait to read the continuation!
ReplyDeleteExcellent characterization, as always. It seems you are completely enamored with talking animals, which I find endearing. The ideas you have are quite interesting, and your narrative voice is excellent. I can't wait for part 2!
ReplyDeleteMax, this sounded to me like a spinoff of The Yellow Wallpaper with the bird having a manic obsession and all, and you did it quite well. Also, I love how you're sticking to your motif of animals throughout; and can't wait for part 2 as well!- Sid
ReplyDeleteSimon is a great character. Simon is also the name of my favorite chipmunk! Nice job! Well done! A+++++++++++++++++++
ReplyDeletei really liked this ! very creative! :)
ReplyDelete-aubrey